February 23, 2010:Okay, I know I haven't been
keeping up with my journal. I suck at keeping a journal. I sleep so
much that I barely get stuff done at all, much less write about it
afterward. I just had such a hilarious experience trying to cancel
my Stamps.com trial, however, that I had to copy it down.
Now, when attempting to cancel I first visited the website, which is
where I learned that their website support is practically
nonexistent and any sort of support really requires that you call
their customer support line within some fairly limited business
The gentleman from customer service that answers the line (after a
completely reasonable pause) sounds fabulous... a slow talker with a
deep, somewhat Southerny accent. Woot. I explain to him (after a
brief twenty questions to confirm that I am, in fact, who I claim to
be) that I would like to cancel my Stamps.com account. He says that
he is sorry to hear that but that he can certainly help me to
accomplish this goal (he is a liar, by the way). Of course he asks
some vague questions constructed to put me in a position of having
to state a reason for quitting and stand behind it. The rest of the
conversation goes like this:
Me: If this is leading up to asking for my reason for cancellation,
let me head you off and say that I'm cancelling because the website
isn't very intuitive and the service requires that you talk to
someone on the telephone if you want reliable support.
Sexy Voice: our website? You do understand that the Stamps.com
service doesn't work through the website, correct? You should have
received software with...
Me (interrupting): I did receive the software, but I'm not going to
install anything from a company or service I haven't researched, and
while researching I discovered I wasn't happy with your website.
Sexy Voice: I understand, however, I see that you haven't even
Me (interrupting) (gritted teeth): I'm not going to install anything
from a company or service...
Sexy Voice (interrupting): I understand, what is it you don't like
about the website?
Me: Well, people sign up for something like Stamps.com because they
don't want to deal with people and the support on the website is not
at all intuitive and it says right on the site that email isn't
answered for up to three business days and that if you want help you
should call the phone number within business hours. I hate talking
on the phone.
Sexy Voice: I understand, however the support with the actual
software is very thorough and we are happy to help anytime you
Me (interrupting): I don't want to call. I hate talking on the
Sexy Voice: I understand, however I find the best way to solve
technical problems is if the technician and the customer are
actually speaking on the...
Me (interrupting): Look, I've done tech support, I know how it
works. I just want a website I can use. Are you going to cancel my
Sexy Voice: I understand, however, I see that you still have five
free dollars in postage that you haven't used and your free trial
Me (interrupting): I'm not going to mail anything before the trial
ends and I don't want to use the service if I don't like the website
and I don't want to forget to cancel my account later. Can you
cancel my account please?
Sexy Voice: I understand, certainly I can cancel your account. Why
not just use your free postage and the rest of your trial period and
Me (interrupting): Because I won't be mailing anything and I don't
want to forget to cancel my account later. This is funny, but can
you please just cancel the account?
Sexy Voice: I understand...
Me (interrupting): I do not think that word means what you think it
means! (This didn't even get a chuckle, le sigh...)
Sexy Voice: I understand (pause) however, our customers are usually
set up to receive a welcome packet and I see you didn't get one... I
can set you up to receive a welcome packet in...
Me (interrupting): After you cancel my account? I don't think your
welcome packet is going to redesign your website when it gets here.
Can you please just cancel my account?
Sexy Voice: Of course, certainly, I understand...
Me (interrupting): I don't think you do!
Sexy Voice: It's just that I would like to extend your free trial
and send you a...
Me (interrupting): I bet you would! No means no. (again, not even a
Sexy Voice: I understand you have nothing to mail right now, but if
we just extend your free trial for another month...
Me (interrupting): This is very funny, but
this phone call is costing me money. Can we just cancel my account
Sexy Voice: I understand. (pause) Is there anything I can do as a
customer service representative to get you to avoid cancelling your
Me: Let's try some role reversal. Is there anything I can do as a
person to get you to cancel my account?
Sexy Voice: Certainly, I understand, I just think...
Me: Look, I have cancer, I'm tired, I don't have a lot of time, my
birthday was crappy, it's been crappy since then, I just want to
curl up and read a book and take a nap... but first I have to cancel
this account. Could we just do that?
Sexy Voice: I'd be happy to help you with that at the end of an
Me (interrupting): Is there anyone else there that I can talk to?
Sexy Voice: I can put you on with one of the supervisors.
Me: Let's do that. (pause) Unless you want to actually cancel my
Sexy Voice: I can do that, but...
Me (interrupting): Nothing good ever comes after "but"! Let me talk
to the supervisor!
Sexy Voice: I understand.
At this point Sexy Voice transfers me to the supervisor, who cancels
my account. In a non-funny, speedy way. The entire phone call?