February 23, 2010:Okay, I know I haven't been keeping up with my journal. I suck at keeping a journal. I sleep so much that I barely get stuff done at all, much less write about it afterward. I just had such a hilarious experience trying to cancel my Stamps.com trial, however, that I had to copy it down.

Now, when attempting to cancel I first visited the website, which is where I learned that their website support is practically nonexistent and any sort of support really requires that you call their customer support line within some fairly limited business hours.

The gentleman from customer service that answers the line (after a completely reasonable pause) sounds fabulous... a slow talker with a deep, somewhat Southerny accent. Woot. I explain to him (after a brief twenty questions to confirm that I am, in fact, who I claim to be) that I would like to cancel my Stamps.com account. He says that he is sorry to hear that but that he can certainly help me to accomplish this goal (he is a liar, by the way). Of course he asks some vague questions constructed to put me in a position of having to state a reason for quitting and stand behind it. The rest of the conversation goes like this:

Me: If this is leading up to asking for my reason for cancellation, let me head you off and say that I'm cancelling because the website isn't very intuitive and the service requires that you talk to someone on the telephone if you want reliable support.

Sexy Voice: our website? You do understand that the Stamps.com service doesn't work through the website, correct? You should have received software with...

Me (interrupting): I did receive the software, but I'm not going to install anything from a company or service I haven't researched, and while researching I discovered I wasn't happy with your website.

Sexy Voice: I understand, however, I see that you haven't even installed...

Me (interrupting) (gritted teeth): I'm not going to install anything from a company or service...

Sexy Voice (interrupting): I understand, what is it you don't like about the website?

Me: Well, people sign up for something like Stamps.com because they don't want to deal with people and the support on the website is not at all intuitive and it says right on the site that email isn't answered for up to three business days and that if you want help you should call the phone number within business hours. I hate talking on the phone.

Sexy Voice: I understand, however the support with the actual software is very thorough and we are happy to help anytime you call...

Me (interrupting): I don't want to call. I hate talking on the phone.

Sexy Voice: I understand, however I find the best way to solve technical problems is if the technician and the customer are actually speaking on the...

Me (interrupting): Look, I've done tech support, I know how it works. I just want a website I can use. Are you going to cancel my account?

Sexy Voice: I understand, however, I see that you still have five free dollars in postage that you haven't used and your free trial lasts until...

Me (interrupting): I'm not going to mail anything before the trial ends and I don't want to use the service if I don't like the website and I don't want to forget to cancel my account later. Can you cancel my account please?

Sexy Voice: I understand, certainly I can cancel your account. Why not just use your free postage and the rest of your trial period and then...

Me (interrupting): Because I won't be mailing anything and I don't want to forget to cancel my account later. This is funny, but can you please just cancel the account?

Sexy Voice: I understand...

Me (interrupting): I do not think that word means what you think it means! (This didn't even get a chuckle, le sigh...)

Sexy Voice: I understand (pause) however, our customers are usually set up to receive a welcome packet and I see you didn't get one... I can set you up to receive a welcome packet in...

Me (interrupting): After you cancel my account? I don't think your welcome packet is going to redesign your website when it gets here. Can you please just cancel my account?

Sexy Voice: Of course, certainly, I understand...

Me (interrupting): I don't think you do!

Sexy Voice: It's just that I would like to extend your free trial and send you a...

Me (interrupting): I bet you would! No means no. (again, not even a chuckle)

Sexy Voice: I understand you have nothing to mail right now, but if we just extend your free trial for another month...

Me (interrupting): This is very funny, but this phone call is costing me money. Can we just cancel my account now?

Sexy Voice: I understand. (pause) Is there anything I can do as a customer service representative to get you to avoid cancelling your service today?

Me: Let's try some role reversal. Is there anything I can do as a person to get you to cancel my account?

Sexy Voice: Certainly, I understand, I just think...

Me: Look, I have cancer, I'm tired, I don't have a lot of time, my birthday was crappy, it's been crappy since then, I just want to curl up and read a book and take a nap... but first I have to cancel this account. Could we just do that?

Sexy Voice: I'd be happy to help you with that at the end of an extended...

Me (interrupting): Is there anyone else there that I can talk to?

Sexy Voice: I can put you on with one of the supervisors.

Me: Let's do that. (pause) Unless you want to actually cancel my account.

Sexy Voice: I can do that, but...

Me (interrupting): Nothing good ever comes after "but"! Let me talk to the supervisor!

Sexy Voice: I understand.

At this point Sexy Voice transfers me to the supervisor, who cancels my account. In a non-funny, speedy way. The entire phone call? Twenty minutes.